more catchup

*Cruise stuff
After Aruba we went to an island called Curacao. It has a dutch feel to it, and was really nice. We were only there for 4 hours so Dad and I shopped. I got most of my Christmas presents there. At noon we went on to a special part of the bow that is not usually open, and watched us take off. It was a really nice and beautiful. I said here "I could see myself coming and visiting for a while!"
Then we cruised for another day and ended up in the Bahamas. Each cruise line has their own private island and Holland has Half Moon Cay. This is my favorite place to go. I absolutely love this island. Quiet, small, safe, non-commercial and just perfect.  I said here "I could see myself living here!!"
To say the least I like anywhere near the ocean. And these islands weren't hot at this time of year.

*WLS
WLS is weight loss surgery. I went to the dr on monday and it went well and they are submitting my papers for approval from the insurance company. I am so excited to do this, I hope they get answers soon. That way if they need me to do something else for insurance we can get on it. The nurses and the office staff feel pretty confident about the insurance, but I don't want to get my hopes up too soon. I want the change so badly and to see my eating change. I'm scared for sure!!! but the benefits of this surgery outweigh all the fears.

Crazy busy life!

Ok, it's been a busy month since my last post. I am crazy busy again. My friend, Cat, says it's my disease. True enough. I slow down for a while, and get bored.
*So now I have added babysitting to my list. I am sitting for a really awesome family with two boys. I love playing with them. They make me laugh and feel like a kid. It also reminds me that kids, that's what I am good at. I get creative and inventive. That is something I miss in my day job.
*I am also sitting for my friends chiropractic office a few times a month. That's fun, cause I have to adjust to an entire different set of kids.
*I also tutor a 4th grader once a weekin math. That's really challenging because math is a tough subject to teach.
*Thanksgiving was nice. I dog sat for a friend of mine and my sister and her family came in also. Short and sweet.
***Then my father and I went on a 7 day cruise to the southern Caribbean. We flew to FL, then cruised 2 days to Aruba. We went snorkeling in the ocean there. It was soo neat, because it was raining when we docked. The tour guide said we could cancel, but why? we were going to get wet anyway. It drizzled a little more and then cleared up beautifully by the time we got the the shipwreck. We were in the water about 45min. I found out I don't like the mask of snorkeling, so I just swam around. I was totally content out there. As we sailed back to the ship, the rain came pouring down. It didn't bother anyone because there was an open bar and it was fun. Then we went to the ship for lunch and a nap. After that we went back out to walk around the shops a little bit. I found a few things, and had a great time there. I kept saying, "I can see myself coming back to aruba for a long visit!"
Then we cruised to Curacao, an island there. It was neat and cute. The last day of the trip was spent in the Bahamas on their island. I love it there the best. Dad went parasailing and had an absolute blast!!!! I sat on the beach with a drink under the shade and in the water. I love it there. We flew home on friday. Nice to be home.
*Saturday I left for a party, and my car crapped out in the TJ's parking lot. I have been at my Dad's since then. I went there expecting his 2nd van to work and it didn't want to work either. So we think we have figured out what  is wrong, but can't do it ourselves. Dad's van worked this morning. Yea!
*I also get to cater this weekend, which is a great money maker. And babysit twice. So that's how busy life is.
**Ok, so that ended up being longer than I thought, and I haven't even started talking about my surgery stuff.
Hopefully I will get to that tmw.

amazing and helpful website

I found this on itunes first and now have been reading the forum. I can't explain how helpful this has been to me. I've only been reading it today, and it has really helped me.

Things I'm learning:
Don't judge me...or do. I don't care!! I need to do this for me, not for anyone else.

I have absolutely no idea what to expect with this surgery. There could be complications. There could be slow weight loss. I could hate every minute of the beginning year. I could do spectacular. I might have to have plastic surgery. I may not. I may have some excess skin. I may not. I may never be able to eat sugar again. I may. Only God knows all of what is in store for me here.

I will still be me. I may look different, but I will still be me. I may be more outgoing, but my insecurities of today may still be there. I may be more athletic, but it still may be uncomfortable.

walking and emotions

Yesterday was a rough day. Up until I got to spend 40 minutes on a nature trail sweating, crying, singing and praying. I went to Laumeier Sculpture Park in south county. It was absolutely beautiful to be there. The terrain is hilly, both up and down, and there were leaves everywhere. I really enjoyed myself. Then I hung out with Amelia for 2 1/2 hrs outside. It is soooo beautiful here right now.

Let me back up. I think I woke up pissy!! That's the only way to explain how I've been feeling. For 3 days now. I am relying on outside things to fulfill me, instead of God. Tuesday I knew I was emotional and wanted to eat that way. So I did, I still can until the surgery, and I had onion rings and a sloppy joe from the cafe next door. It tasted yucky. All of it. So not only did I eat bad for me food, it didn't even taste good. I also have had soda twice in two days and haven't liked it at all. That is a good thing. So to fix that issue, I went to the butcher and got me alot of chicken breast and cooked up some all natural chicken in it's own broth. Yummy! I've had that for lunch for 2 days. I make it really spicy, so I trick my stomach into thinking I've eaten more. I hope I can still eat spicy after my surgery!!!!

I have also been struggling with feeling incompetent at my job. Not really, just I'm the type of person who needs to be busy and needed. I haven't been busy lately and that is a struggle for me. I think that is looking up, and I am also working on making myself busier. Reading some science articles, which I don't always understand, but I'm learning little bits at a time. My brain naturally gets educational stuff. I do not however naturally get science.

I don't need to rehash all of my pity party (asl, singing, work, finances, relationships/lack there of), but the point is that I need to rely on God more. How that looks, I'm not sure, but I'll be working on that. Here's an example of how: I put my headphones on and played the last artist I had listened to. AaronJeffrey. I haven't really listened to them for a while, but used one of their songs on sunday. It was exactly what God and I had talked about on the drive to the park. I really needed to hear those words and the comfort of the music.

Also, I'm learning that walking is a huge help to my emotions, and even more important, NOT walking is worse for my emotions. I feel amazing when I walk. Yes I cry alot when I walk. Not sure if it's the walking itself, or the fact that I think alot on walks. But, I always feel better. Even if it is an exceptionally hard walk.

Speaking of, since the time change happened it is getting dark way way tooooo soon, so I gotta split and go walk.

fears vs excitement

So, I made it official and dropped the TKD class. I felt sure of doing that, but now need to get on the ball about finding a class that I can do. My friend, Michelle, is doing Zumba and likes it. That has been recommended to me, so I'm going to do more to check into that.
About the steps I'm taking for the surgery. I've been reading blogs and forums and finding some info that might be helpful for me to put on here. I will later. For now, this is still going to be my rant and place to let out my fears and excitement.
Fears: What if they don't approve my surgery? I finally see that it is possible for me to lose weight and what if they take that "light at the end of the tunnel" away?
Fears: What if I don't handle the surgery well? What if my body/intestines hates me for doing this? What if I dump(puke) all the time? what if??????
Fears: Making my will
Fears: Maybe I still won't be able to make the changes permanent!! I'm finding that portion size is my biggest enemy. I'm fighting most of the emotional eating. (lost yesterday, but starting new today) Pizza: can't stop, eat all. Chips and salsa(my favorite ever): eat all
Excitement:I'm looking at clothes. Smaller sizes. Size 14 sounds beautiful to me. What if I got even lower? How cool would that be?
Excitement: Hiking without feeling out of place.
Excitement: Riding a rollercoaster again.
Excitement: swinging with a kid on the swingset
Excitement: the seatbelt fitting nicely
Excitement: looking adorable in my clothes
Excitement: sitting in a theatre chair without touching every inch of it
Excitement: sitting in the back seat with 2 people, not the front cause I'm the biggest
Excitement: wearing a swimsuit comfortably
Excitement: maybe tanning a little just for color
Excitement: people being able to buy clothes for me since my size isn't so embarrassing
Excitement: going to that TKD class and kicking butt!!!!!!

Yeah, more excitement than fear.

TaeKwonDo

So, the big boss here at my job is a master sensei in TaeKwonDo. We have our own class two times a week. There is rarely an opening and there was one this month. Three of us decided to try it. One has alot of experience, one I don't know, but he's a big guy, and me who was a yellow belt in college and smaller by 50 or so pounds.
Anyway, the sensei emailed me after tuesdays class asking me if i had ever had a stress test because i got winded during the running part of the warmup. I was not offended, but was sad. It was like a slap in the face that I have allowed myself to get so far with my health. Admittedly, I don't run. I walk, and probably need to walk faster. I tried running before, but there is a lot of stuff bouncing when someone my size runs. yuck!!!! I felt I had the stuff, just Don't run. The key here is DON'T.
Well, I decided, and prayed for strength to make it through todays class. The lead sensei wasn't there and another black belt lead us. She mentioned that they don't run unless he is there, so it should be better. I don't even remember all that we did, except jumping jacks and jumping in place and punching. Anyway, after 20 minutes of that I felt OK. Then after we started practicing forms I felt like all my energy was gone and I wasn't ready to let myself pass-out. Who wants to be that person who passes out? I can't say for sure that I was that close, but I couldn't get my heart rate back down. So I had to step out a few times to sit and collect myself.
I hate to admit it, but I might not be ready for such intense workouts. I really hate admitting that. But don't want to do too much so that it isn't even helping me loose weight. I have heard that working out past your talking point is bad for you.
Abbe doesn't want me to use this as an excuse. I see that. Jenn mentioned that it's not quitting if I find a different class that is a little less intense. I just feel bad that I can't keep up. But am ready to admit that the 1hr workout here is too much for me right now.
We shall see

down

I have been waiting for these storms to come. I love, love, love storms. Now they are here and it isn't helping my mood at all. My bad mood started last thursday. Thought it was just PMS and being tired, but it hasn't left me yet. At first it was just work that was making me mad, really just a few people, but now it is everything! I am just plain old mad. I feel like my nose is permanently wrinkled up in disgust. Yuck!

I haven't walked since last wednesday. First I didn't feel good. Then I was busy. Then it was pure laziness. This is the consistency that I have trouble with.

I haven't eaten right since saturday afternoon. Then I babysat and let my eating get crazy. I think I had like 6 oreo's on sunday. 3 pieces of domino's thin crust, stl style pizza. I drank the entire time I was eating. Monday I had way too many crunchy cheetos. I then had to make 4 dozen cupcakes. How do you make homemade baked goods without tasting for approval? So, overall it has been a rough weekend for both food and exercise.

I'm just plain old depressed and tired and cry-ee and emotional. Hooray! :(

I'm coming out of the exercise thing today though. I WILL walk this evening or do an aerobics thing on tv.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!

So I met with the new dietician this week. I have decided to move from St. Alexius for my surgery, to DesPeres. WHAT A DIFFERENCE. I wanted to cry last month after my meeting at St. Alexius and came out of DesPeres with an entirely different feeling. I am encoraged by a few things:
1) I lost 6 lbs in 20 days.
2) my exercising is paying off, (see 1)
3) i now understand why some of the things i was told to do are so important
4) the only thing i have to swear off is carbonated beverages. really? that's all. done!
5) i see the light at the end of the tunnel. (explanation below)
6) i can add things into my life that will be routine for the rest of my life. that's more positive than all the things that i am taking out of my life.
7) I lost 6 lbs in 20 days!!!! just a little excited

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!
So, any of you who have struggled with eating (too much or too little) can understand the overwhelming feeling you get when you start to eat healthy. Really lose 150lbs??? Ok, that was what I weighed back in......I don't know? 6th grade?? I don't see it happening. Right? It's overwhelming. I have absolutely no idea what that looks like for me. Truly!
But with this surgery, I'm going to see it sooner. It is going to help me see the benefits of exercise and healthy eating sooner. I won't have to wait 3 entire years or more to see the finish line (so to speak). Imagine...something you really really want and having to work/wait for 3 yrs, or more. And this is something you have been waiting for many years in the past. Hard right? You have 10lbs to lose.. that is realistic and "visible". 150lbs...wow, that's alot. But now I see it as a possibility.

I am proud of the changes in my life that I have been making.
1) Exercising 3-5 x a week. With the goal of 5-7x.
2) Walking a 5k in 1:05. SOOOOO proud of that time.
3) Preferring healthy food over non. Starting to like chicken.
4) House is cleaner, because I'm trying not to sit so much.
5) Sleeping better and more rested.
6) Tracking my daily food intake. 14% more weightloss on record for those who do this. My dietician, who is thin, does this. Huh??? Wonder why she stays thin?


Anyway, it's been a good week. I am feeling and seeing the difference in my body from all my work. That should be enough, but look out world. I'm going further!!!!

stuggling

I think I am sabotaging myself. I know that I need to not beat myself up and just re-focus, but I'm mad at myself for not doing well. I went to my friends wedding this weekend. That started on thursday afternoon. I basically gave up control of myself for 2 days. I was up really, really late on thursday and up early on friday. I was there to do whatever was needed of me by my friend. I know I ate 2 pieces of pizza for lunch, had another around 11pm when I realized I was starving. I had a miserable pos from burger king for bk and that was sooooooo not worth the calories, for dinner I had 1 large piece of ham and a few bites of some really good potato salad and cole slaw. The good thing about that day was that by 5pm I had already walked 15,000 steps and the day wasn't over yet.
saturday I ate a biscuit, 2 pcs bacon and a few bites of egg for bk as we were getting ready to start the day. I then had maybe 6 pieces of cracker and sausage and cheese. then didn't eat til 6ish and that was good but not so healthy: fried chicken (i ate mostly the skin), hashbrown casserole (yummy) and corn. oh yea and some salad.

point is I didn't eat right then on sunday when I could have controled and moved back to eating right, i didn't. I literally ate chips and sour cream all day and 2-200cal cookies. i was tired and didn't want to cook.

then monday i did good and ate right throughout the day, but then made a poor choice for dinner at pasta house. i ate their regular salad and scampi pasta. didn't eat it all there, but did finish it up later.

tuesday, i did good again throughout the day, but blew it for dinner. I ate 6 pieces of a little ceasers thin crust pepporoni. i knew it then too that i was making a mistake and just wanted to feel full. was watching biggest loser at the same time. really, sitting on my butt, watching other people be successful and I eat almost an entire pizza!!! something was wrong there.

ok, i took the time and beat myself up for that. now today i can move on and forward. no more looking back at this past weekend.

got up and cooked 2 chicken breasts and 2 pieces of meat for the next few days. i made oatmeal w/o butter and brown sugar. can't eat it, just tastes like mush. so i am eating 3 pieces of sharp cheddar cheese. today will be better and I know i will walk this evening with Abbe. so, i'll let you know how i do.

So, the exercise part of my life is going pretty good. I am walking at least every other day and am trying to make it every day. I do feel that I need to get some toning exercises included into my routine. Like today is going to be difficult to walk. I have time sorta, but don't want to get all sweaty before I go tutor, then I eat dinner, and don't like going out after I am home. This isn't really a problem, as much as a rock in the road. I have to figure out how I can handle this.

I did 16 minutes on my Tony Little Gazelle on Sunday. That was huge...one month ago I could only do 3 minutes at a time. Growth is awesome.

The food part needs alot of work.....lots!!!!

first blip

So this weekend I took a small trip to my sisters and then a roadtrip from there to my friends. I had it in my head that I would walk each day....that didn't happen. I did a little bit of walking on the roadtrip, but didn't take a single walk at my sisters. I was really busy all day. It did cross my mind, but it didn't happen. Bummer! I was hoping this would be a good time to test my committment. I am disappointed in myself, but not defeated. I am planning to do something tonight, just don't know what. It is hotter than I prefer today, but know I want to move..

thanks to my friends

Yesterday, my friend and I went for a walk and then I watched her 2yr old while she mowed the yard. We then had a very healthy dinner of chicken and asparagus. It is really neat, how us walking helped me, and me watching her daughter helped her. God is good giving us friends.

Then today didn't look like a day that I would have been able to fit a walk into. But as soon as I got in this morning, a coworker came for a walk. We walked ~2miles and it was a great time. She needed to vent and we both needed the walk.

I am loving seeing how my focus on walking is helping other people too. Thanks God!

Just the beginning

I just took a 8 day vacation to Burlington, Vermont. I went for my cousins wedding, which was amazing and such a blessing! I left with an exercise plan. Pretty cool.
My Aunt Judy had a book, "Walk off Weight", and she wasn't sure if she wanted to keep it or not. So I read it. Most of the ideas are online, so she why keep the book, but it was very motivating to me.
I have been at the beginning of this "Health Journey" for a little more than a year. June '09 I did a cleanse through "Standard Process". My friend Abbe suggested it for some health issues and I LOVED it. It wasn't that hard. I was doing the 90 day bible reading with my church and the cleanse at the same time. I really think that is why it was so successful and easy. The second time I tried the cleanse wasn't a good experience, so that is why I think the bible reading helped. I ate fine for a while, but fell off the wagon quickly. I also never really incorporated exercise into my life.
So here we are 15 months later and heavier by 15 pounds. Shoot!!!! That was not the plan. Oh well, time to refocus and get my life on track. Being single, people might think that I put myself first all the time. That isn't true. I do things for other people and that is what keeps me moving. I learned sign for the fact that it helps people communicate. Yes, I personally love this language and learn it for my benefit, but that is the side note. I can use my language skills in church and that is most important to me. I teach children to help them understand life and how to work in this crazy world. Again, I love teaching, but it isn't a selfish thing really.
My mantra during this journey is that I am finally putting me first here. I will always put God as the center of my life, but I am understanding that if I don't prioritize myself here, I won't be able to serve God long. My health is great right now, but I see myself 10 years from now and am petrified and embarrassed. What does "me first" look like then? Well, not committing to many evening activities during the week so that I can go walk. Just because something is good to do doesn't mean it is the best thing for my health. As exercise becomes a natural part of my life maybe I can fill my weeknights again, but for now, NO!
I have lots of friends and family that have said they want to help me become healthier. Well, now I am putting them to the test. If you care about me, I see you supporting me in this journey. I will be asking you to go walk with me, teach me a new activity, encourage me in "nature", cheer me on as I do this. Ask me to join you for a walk after dinner. If you don't like walking, fine. I totally get that. Teach me what you do like. I love learning. Be there for me at the start and finish of a long walk. Call me, check up on me. Join me in some of the charity walks I want to do. PRAY for me. This is as much mental and spiritual as it is physical.
This isn't going to be a sprint. It is going to be even more than a marathon. It is for the rest of my life. I saw myself at 70 last week, unless I change now.