I found this on itunes first and now have been reading the forum. I can't explain how helpful this has been to me. I've only been reading it today, and it has really helped me.
Things I'm learning:
Don't judge me...or do. I don't care!! I need to do this for me, not for anyone else.
I have absolutely no idea what to expect with this surgery. There could be complications. There could be slow weight loss. I could hate every minute of the beginning year. I could do spectacular. I might have to have plastic surgery. I may not. I may have some excess skin. I may not. I may never be able to eat sugar again. I may. Only God knows all of what is in store for me here.
I will still be me. I may look different, but I will still be me. I may be more outgoing, but my insecurities of today may still be there. I may be more athletic, but it still may be uncomfortable.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
walking and emotions
Yesterday was a rough day. Up until I got to spend 40 minutes on a nature trail sweating, crying, singing and praying. I went to Laumeier Sculpture Park in south county. It was absolutely beautiful to be there. The terrain is hilly, both up and down, and there were leaves everywhere. I really enjoyed myself. Then I hung out with Amelia for 2 1/2 hrs outside. It is soooo beautiful here right now.
Let me back up. I think I woke up pissy!! That's the only way to explain how I've been feeling. For 3 days now. I am relying on outside things to fulfill me, instead of God. Tuesday I knew I was emotional and wanted to eat that way. So I did, I still can until the surgery, and I had onion rings and a sloppy joe from the cafe next door. It tasted yucky. All of it. So not only did I eat bad for me food, it didn't even taste good. I also have had soda twice in two days and haven't liked it at all. That is a good thing. So to fix that issue, I went to the butcher and got me alot of chicken breast and cooked up some all natural chicken in it's own broth. Yummy! I've had that for lunch for 2 days. I make it really spicy, so I trick my stomach into thinking I've eaten more. I hope I can still eat spicy after my surgery!!!!
I have also been struggling with feeling incompetent at my job. Not really, just I'm the type of person who needs to be busy and needed. I haven't been busy lately and that is a struggle for me. I think that is looking up, and I am also working on making myself busier. Reading some science articles, which I don't always understand, but I'm learning little bits at a time. My brain naturally gets educational stuff. I do not however naturally get science.
I don't need to rehash all of my pity party (asl, singing, work, finances, relationships/lack there of), but the point is that I need to rely on God more. How that looks, I'm not sure, but I'll be working on that. Here's an example of how: I put my headphones on and played the last artist I had listened to. AaronJeffrey. I haven't really listened to them for a while, but used one of their songs on sunday. It was exactly what God and I had talked about on the drive to the park. I really needed to hear those words and the comfort of the music.
Also, I'm learning that walking is a huge help to my emotions, and even more important, NOT walking is worse for my emotions. I feel amazing when I walk. Yes I cry alot when I walk. Not sure if it's the walking itself, or the fact that I think alot on walks. But, I always feel better. Even if it is an exceptionally hard walk.
Speaking of, since the time change happened it is getting dark way way tooooo soon, so I gotta split and go walk.
Let me back up. I think I woke up pissy!! That's the only way to explain how I've been feeling. For 3 days now. I am relying on outside things to fulfill me, instead of God. Tuesday I knew I was emotional and wanted to eat that way. So I did, I still can until the surgery, and I had onion rings and a sloppy joe from the cafe next door. It tasted yucky. All of it. So not only did I eat bad for me food, it didn't even taste good. I also have had soda twice in two days and haven't liked it at all. That is a good thing. So to fix that issue, I went to the butcher and got me alot of chicken breast and cooked up some all natural chicken in it's own broth. Yummy! I've had that for lunch for 2 days. I make it really spicy, so I trick my stomach into thinking I've eaten more. I hope I can still eat spicy after my surgery!!!!
I have also been struggling with feeling incompetent at my job. Not really, just I'm the type of person who needs to be busy and needed. I haven't been busy lately and that is a struggle for me. I think that is looking up, and I am also working on making myself busier. Reading some science articles, which I don't always understand, but I'm learning little bits at a time. My brain naturally gets educational stuff. I do not however naturally get science.
I don't need to rehash all of my pity party (asl, singing, work, finances, relationships/lack there of), but the point is that I need to rely on God more. How that looks, I'm not sure, but I'll be working on that. Here's an example of how: I put my headphones on and played the last artist I had listened to. AaronJeffrey. I haven't really listened to them for a while, but used one of their songs on sunday. It was exactly what God and I had talked about on the drive to the park. I really needed to hear those words and the comfort of the music.
Also, I'm learning that walking is a huge help to my emotions, and even more important, NOT walking is worse for my emotions. I feel amazing when I walk. Yes I cry alot when I walk. Not sure if it's the walking itself, or the fact that I think alot on walks. But, I always feel better. Even if it is an exceptionally hard walk.
Speaking of, since the time change happened it is getting dark way way tooooo soon, so I gotta split and go walk.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
fears vs excitement
So, I made it official and dropped the TKD class. I felt sure of doing that, but now need to get on the ball about finding a class that I can do. My friend, Michelle, is doing Zumba and likes it. That has been recommended to me, so I'm going to do more to check into that.
About the steps I'm taking for the surgery. I've been reading blogs and forums and finding some info that might be helpful for me to put on here. I will later. For now, this is still going to be my rant and place to let out my fears and excitement.
Fears: What if they don't approve my surgery? I finally see that it is possible for me to lose weight and what if they take that "light at the end of the tunnel" away?
Fears: What if I don't handle the surgery well? What if my body/intestines hates me for doing this? What if I dump(puke) all the time? what if??????
Fears: Making my will
Fears: Maybe I still won't be able to make the changes permanent!! I'm finding that portion size is my biggest enemy. I'm fighting most of the emotional eating. (lost yesterday, but starting new today) Pizza: can't stop, eat all. Chips and salsa(my favorite ever): eat all
Excitement:I'm looking at clothes. Smaller sizes. Size 14 sounds beautiful to me. What if I got even lower? How cool would that be?
Excitement: Hiking without feeling out of place.
Excitement: Riding a rollercoaster again.
Excitement: swinging with a kid on the swingset
Excitement: the seatbelt fitting nicely
Excitement: looking adorable in my clothes
Excitement: sitting in a theatre chair without touching every inch of it
Excitement: sitting in the back seat with 2 people, not the front cause I'm the biggest
Excitement: wearing a swimsuit comfortably
Excitement: maybe tanning a little just for color
Excitement: people being able to buy clothes for me since my size isn't so embarrassing
Excitement: going to that TKD class and kicking butt!!!!!!
Yeah, more excitement than fear.
About the steps I'm taking for the surgery. I've been reading blogs and forums and finding some info that might be helpful for me to put on here. I will later. For now, this is still going to be my rant and place to let out my fears and excitement.
Fears: What if they don't approve my surgery? I finally see that it is possible for me to lose weight and what if they take that "light at the end of the tunnel" away?
Fears: What if I don't handle the surgery well? What if my body/intestines hates me for doing this? What if I dump(puke) all the time? what if??????
Fears: Making my will
Fears: Maybe I still won't be able to make the changes permanent!! I'm finding that portion size is my biggest enemy. I'm fighting most of the emotional eating. (lost yesterday, but starting new today) Pizza: can't stop, eat all. Chips and salsa(my favorite ever): eat all
Excitement:I'm looking at clothes. Smaller sizes. Size 14 sounds beautiful to me. What if I got even lower? How cool would that be?
Excitement: Hiking without feeling out of place.
Excitement: Riding a rollercoaster again.
Excitement: swinging with a kid on the swingset
Excitement: the seatbelt fitting nicely
Excitement: looking adorable in my clothes
Excitement: sitting in a theatre chair without touching every inch of it
Excitement: sitting in the back seat with 2 people, not the front cause I'm the biggest
Excitement: wearing a swimsuit comfortably
Excitement: maybe tanning a little just for color
Excitement: people being able to buy clothes for me since my size isn't so embarrassing
Excitement: going to that TKD class and kicking butt!!!!!!
Yeah, more excitement than fear.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
TaeKwonDo
So, the big boss here at my job is a master sensei in TaeKwonDo. We have our own class two times a week. There is rarely an opening and there was one this month. Three of us decided to try it. One has alot of experience, one I don't know, but he's a big guy, and me who was a yellow belt in college and smaller by 50 or so pounds.
Anyway, the sensei emailed me after tuesdays class asking me if i had ever had a stress test because i got winded during the running part of the warmup. I was not offended, but was sad. It was like a slap in the face that I have allowed myself to get so far with my health. Admittedly, I don't run. I walk, and probably need to walk faster. I tried running before, but there is a lot of stuff bouncing when someone my size runs. yuck!!!! I felt I had the stuff, just Don't run. The key here is DON'T.
Well, I decided, and prayed for strength to make it through todays class. The lead sensei wasn't there and another black belt lead us. She mentioned that they don't run unless he is there, so it should be better. I don't even remember all that we did, except jumping jacks and jumping in place and punching. Anyway, after 20 minutes of that I felt OK. Then after we started practicing forms I felt like all my energy was gone and I wasn't ready to let myself pass-out. Who wants to be that person who passes out? I can't say for sure that I was that close, but I couldn't get my heart rate back down. So I had to step out a few times to sit and collect myself.
I hate to admit it, but I might not be ready for such intense workouts. I really hate admitting that. But don't want to do too much so that it isn't even helping me loose weight. I have heard that working out past your talking point is bad for you.
Abbe doesn't want me to use this as an excuse. I see that. Jenn mentioned that it's not quitting if I find a different class that is a little less intense. I just feel bad that I can't keep up. But am ready to admit that the 1hr workout here is too much for me right now.
We shall see
Anyway, the sensei emailed me after tuesdays class asking me if i had ever had a stress test because i got winded during the running part of the warmup. I was not offended, but was sad. It was like a slap in the face that I have allowed myself to get so far with my health. Admittedly, I don't run. I walk, and probably need to walk faster. I tried running before, but there is a lot of stuff bouncing when someone my size runs. yuck!!!! I felt I had the stuff, just Don't run. The key here is DON'T.
Well, I decided, and prayed for strength to make it through todays class. The lead sensei wasn't there and another black belt lead us. She mentioned that they don't run unless he is there, so it should be better. I don't even remember all that we did, except jumping jacks and jumping in place and punching. Anyway, after 20 minutes of that I felt OK. Then after we started practicing forms I felt like all my energy was gone and I wasn't ready to let myself pass-out. Who wants to be that person who passes out? I can't say for sure that I was that close, but I couldn't get my heart rate back down. So I had to step out a few times to sit and collect myself.
I hate to admit it, but I might not be ready for such intense workouts. I really hate admitting that. But don't want to do too much so that it isn't even helping me loose weight. I have heard that working out past your talking point is bad for you.
Abbe doesn't want me to use this as an excuse. I see that. Jenn mentioned that it's not quitting if I find a different class that is a little less intense. I just feel bad that I can't keep up. But am ready to admit that the 1hr workout here is too much for me right now.
We shall see
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