Crazy busy life!

Ok, it's been a busy month since my last post. I am crazy busy again. My friend, Cat, says it's my disease. True enough. I slow down for a while, and get bored.
*So now I have added babysitting to my list. I am sitting for a really awesome family with two boys. I love playing with them. They make me laugh and feel like a kid. It also reminds me that kids, that's what I am good at. I get creative and inventive. That is something I miss in my day job.
*I am also sitting for my friends chiropractic office a few times a month. That's fun, cause I have to adjust to an entire different set of kids.
*I also tutor a 4th grader once a weekin math. That's really challenging because math is a tough subject to teach.
*Thanksgiving was nice. I dog sat for a friend of mine and my sister and her family came in also. Short and sweet.
***Then my father and I went on a 7 day cruise to the southern Caribbean. We flew to FL, then cruised 2 days to Aruba. We went snorkeling in the ocean there. It was soo neat, because it was raining when we docked. The tour guide said we could cancel, but why? we were going to get wet anyway. It drizzled a little more and then cleared up beautifully by the time we got the the shipwreck. We were in the water about 45min. I found out I don't like the mask of snorkeling, so I just swam around. I was totally content out there. As we sailed back to the ship, the rain came pouring down. It didn't bother anyone because there was an open bar and it was fun. Then we went to the ship for lunch and a nap. After that we went back out to walk around the shops a little bit. I found a few things, and had a great time there. I kept saying, "I can see myself coming back to aruba for a long visit!"
Then we cruised to Curacao, an island there. It was neat and cute. The last day of the trip was spent in the Bahamas on their island. I love it there the best. Dad went parasailing and had an absolute blast!!!! I sat on the beach with a drink under the shade and in the water. I love it there. We flew home on friday. Nice to be home.
*Saturday I left for a party, and my car crapped out in the TJ's parking lot. I have been at my Dad's since then. I went there expecting his 2nd van to work and it didn't want to work either. So we think we have figured out what  is wrong, but can't do it ourselves. Dad's van worked this morning. Yea!
*I also get to cater this weekend, which is a great money maker. And babysit twice. So that's how busy life is.
**Ok, so that ended up being longer than I thought, and I haven't even started talking about my surgery stuff.
Hopefully I will get to that tmw.

amazing and helpful website

I found this on itunes first and now have been reading the forum. I can't explain how helpful this has been to me. I've only been reading it today, and it has really helped me.

Things I'm learning:
Don't judge me...or do. I don't care!! I need to do this for me, not for anyone else.

I have absolutely no idea what to expect with this surgery. There could be complications. There could be slow weight loss. I could hate every minute of the beginning year. I could do spectacular. I might have to have plastic surgery. I may not. I may have some excess skin. I may not. I may never be able to eat sugar again. I may. Only God knows all of what is in store for me here.

I will still be me. I may look different, but I will still be me. I may be more outgoing, but my insecurities of today may still be there. I may be more athletic, but it still may be uncomfortable.

walking and emotions

Yesterday was a rough day. Up until I got to spend 40 minutes on a nature trail sweating, crying, singing and praying. I went to Laumeier Sculpture Park in south county. It was absolutely beautiful to be there. The terrain is hilly, both up and down, and there were leaves everywhere. I really enjoyed myself. Then I hung out with Amelia for 2 1/2 hrs outside. It is soooo beautiful here right now.

Let me back up. I think I woke up pissy!! That's the only way to explain how I've been feeling. For 3 days now. I am relying on outside things to fulfill me, instead of God. Tuesday I knew I was emotional and wanted to eat that way. So I did, I still can until the surgery, and I had onion rings and a sloppy joe from the cafe next door. It tasted yucky. All of it. So not only did I eat bad for me food, it didn't even taste good. I also have had soda twice in two days and haven't liked it at all. That is a good thing. So to fix that issue, I went to the butcher and got me alot of chicken breast and cooked up some all natural chicken in it's own broth. Yummy! I've had that for lunch for 2 days. I make it really spicy, so I trick my stomach into thinking I've eaten more. I hope I can still eat spicy after my surgery!!!!

I have also been struggling with feeling incompetent at my job. Not really, just I'm the type of person who needs to be busy and needed. I haven't been busy lately and that is a struggle for me. I think that is looking up, and I am also working on making myself busier. Reading some science articles, which I don't always understand, but I'm learning little bits at a time. My brain naturally gets educational stuff. I do not however naturally get science.

I don't need to rehash all of my pity party (asl, singing, work, finances, relationships/lack there of), but the point is that I need to rely on God more. How that looks, I'm not sure, but I'll be working on that. Here's an example of how: I put my headphones on and played the last artist I had listened to. AaronJeffrey. I haven't really listened to them for a while, but used one of their songs on sunday. It was exactly what God and I had talked about on the drive to the park. I really needed to hear those words and the comfort of the music.

Also, I'm learning that walking is a huge help to my emotions, and even more important, NOT walking is worse for my emotions. I feel amazing when I walk. Yes I cry alot when I walk. Not sure if it's the walking itself, or the fact that I think alot on walks. But, I always feel better. Even if it is an exceptionally hard walk.

Speaking of, since the time change happened it is getting dark way way tooooo soon, so I gotta split and go walk.

fears vs excitement

So, I made it official and dropped the TKD class. I felt sure of doing that, but now need to get on the ball about finding a class that I can do. My friend, Michelle, is doing Zumba and likes it. That has been recommended to me, so I'm going to do more to check into that.
About the steps I'm taking for the surgery. I've been reading blogs and forums and finding some info that might be helpful for me to put on here. I will later. For now, this is still going to be my rant and place to let out my fears and excitement.
Fears: What if they don't approve my surgery? I finally see that it is possible for me to lose weight and what if they take that "light at the end of the tunnel" away?
Fears: What if I don't handle the surgery well? What if my body/intestines hates me for doing this? What if I dump(puke) all the time? what if??????
Fears: Making my will
Fears: Maybe I still won't be able to make the changes permanent!! I'm finding that portion size is my biggest enemy. I'm fighting most of the emotional eating. (lost yesterday, but starting new today) Pizza: can't stop, eat all. Chips and salsa(my favorite ever): eat all
Excitement:I'm looking at clothes. Smaller sizes. Size 14 sounds beautiful to me. What if I got even lower? How cool would that be?
Excitement: Hiking without feeling out of place.
Excitement: Riding a rollercoaster again.
Excitement: swinging with a kid on the swingset
Excitement: the seatbelt fitting nicely
Excitement: looking adorable in my clothes
Excitement: sitting in a theatre chair without touching every inch of it
Excitement: sitting in the back seat with 2 people, not the front cause I'm the biggest
Excitement: wearing a swimsuit comfortably
Excitement: maybe tanning a little just for color
Excitement: people being able to buy clothes for me since my size isn't so embarrassing
Excitement: going to that TKD class and kicking butt!!!!!!

Yeah, more excitement than fear.