life issues

I interpret for the Deaf at my church. I love doing this. I normally only interpret the music, which God has blessed me with, but this past Sunday I was able to do the entire sermon. Let me say, I love how God is at work before we even know about issues. I go to West Hills Community Church in St. Louis, Mo. If you are ever in town, please come visit. It is such an amazing church. Same as many, but different in the way our Pastor teaches. Gary Brooks is an amazing teacher. I have grown up under some "fire-and-brimestone" preachers (not my preference) and under some other preachers who were good as well. But, Gary has a way about him "behind the pulpit". He is tender, and sensitive to what the Spirit is doing. He is heartfelt with his words and his emotions are evident to all. I knew that the preacher at this church was something special from the start.
So this sunday, Gary preached on "The Why? of your life." When you interpret a sermon, you really understand what is being said. In order to correctly interpret the meaning, you must understand what the speaker is saying/meaning. In ASL there isn't always a specific sign for a word used, so you must quickly change that word to a synonym, or the meaning of the sentence, and sign that. I really seem to get so much more from the sermon when I sign it. I also have to portray the emotion of the speaker. Gary gets choked up, then I must somehow portray that to my listeners. This week it was like the sermon was written just for me. Isn't that cool! All those people were sitting there listening to a sermon written just for me! haha. I think it is amazing how God works.

This is going to be long, so if you don't have time. Cool. Just understand that God is good and at work in all of our lives, even if we don't know that.

Life is good. God is good, all the time! I believe that with all my heart. I think if you know me personally, than you would say that my life has been good, blessed. I have an amazing family and am blessed with a great church family. I lost my Mother 8yrs ago to liver cancer, but have all the rest of my family here. I am blessed. I could list things, but just know that I am aware of the fact that what I have is a direct result of God's blessings in my life. I work hard, but it's all God.
I graduated from college with a degree in Elementary Education. I moved to California and taught 6th grade for four years. I loved my kids. They were and are amazing. I am blessed to still keep in contact with many of them. I love seeing what is going on in their lives. It saddens me when they are hurting, but I know God is working in their lives, or waiting for them to ask him back into the day to day. After 4 yrs there, my mother was ill and needed more help than was able to be given. I missed being near my family and so decided to move back in with my parents to help care for my mother. It was a great choice. I had 2 amazing years with my Mom before she went to Heaven.
When I moved home, my sister-in-law helped me find a great job at the Genome Institute, where I have been for 10 yrs now. This is an amazing opportunity to be at the research level of helping people medically. The research that is done at the GI is crucial for cancer research and many other things. I really love seeing what happens with our research. However, I am not a scientist by trade. I am good at what I do there, and am constantly learning, but it took a while to accept that I wasn't a teacher.
I attempted to get a teaching job for about 3 yrs during this time. I found nothing. I had interviews, and that was all. I really believe that God was closing that part of my life. I loved teaching and still am a darn good teacher (only because God gifted me), but classroom teaching I don't believe is ever going to be for me again. I do however tutor and LOVE it. I like being able to see right away that they do or don't understand me, and the challenge of changing things up immediately to enhance their learning experiences. I will, hopefully, always be a personal tutor. I'm good at it and love it.
If only we could all make a living doing what we are passionate about. That is a challenge to me. I want to tell young kids just starting out, that they should do what they love, but the hardness of life makes me want to tell them to do what will provide for themselves and their families. That is awful. Really? Make money and then add in what  you love? How horrible. But fact is... you need money here on earth. Sometimes, what you love is not money making. Well.. enough of that, still processing how to express that stuff to others.
Back to the sermon..... Gary talked about how we focus on the how and what of life. How do we make money? What do we do for money? but most of us don't think about the Why? do we make money? or whatever it is. Why? do we take care of our houses? Why? do we do what we do? why do we pray?
Most of us focus on the how and what? how do we pray? how do we love others? how do we take care of our church? how do we protect our families? but not the Why????
It's important to know why we do the things we do. How do I work? I give all I have when I'm there. What do I do for work? I work in a research lab. But why? Why do I work? that's another question.
How do I pray? when things are tough? when I am going to sleep? when I wake up? when I am scared?
What do I pray? thanksgiving? requests for others??
Why do I pray? hmmmmm. God loves me more than anything and I love him the same? I'm scared and need help above myself? Why DO I pray? good question and one for me alone to know the answers to right now.

Here's the question of my day. Why? Why do I love my neighbors? Why do I think about going back to school? Why would I want to be a nutritionist? Why do I want to pursue my ASL training and certification? Why do I own my home? Why do I put my family first? These are what I am dwelling on right now.

If you are interested, Gary's sermons are available online. http://www.westhillsstl.org/
Not pushing, just putting out there if you are interested.

Thanks for listening!

Life has been very easy for me since surgery, and I am super appreciative of that fact. I believe that has been a push towards my success. I am down 106 lbs from my highest weight. I feel wonderful. I can't imagine as I continue to lose more. I am hoping for around 80 more max. Would be happy with at least 40 more lost.

I wrote last time about my exercise struggles. They are still here, just not as bad. I've started back this week. Kicked my butt on wednesday, and feel good about it today. I am hoping to get into the gym tonight, but doubt it. I am going to an English class to help foreign speakers learn conversational english.

I have a major stress/sinus headache, left over migraine, so I am assuming I won't hit the gym today.
I work my demonstration job this saturday and then party for my nephew's 21st birthday. So the weekend looks gone!!!

I also get to interpret the sermon and songs this sunday. I am always excited about that.

Hope you all have a great 3-day weekend.

Church and exercise

Sitting in church and can't focus! This is horrible. How do we focus on the here and now when we are preoccupied? All I can think of right now is my weight loss journey. How good i feel and look... How to stop this past eating from coming back.... How will I get my protein in today?.... How much water have I had so far?....  You get the picture!  
I am so concerned about my exercise. I haven't been to the gym in almost 2 months!!!! I walked for a month of that and I'm ok with that, but then I hit 100lb loss and it's like I quit. I also am nervous to go back to the gym and see how much energy/ability I have lost over this time. 
I am not going to let that stop me. I am going to the gym tmw. No matter what!!!!

Dumb Wagon!!!

So I fell off the dumb wagon yesterday! I've been holding on for a while and my grip has been getting looser as this last week past. I haven't been to the gym since June. A whole month, and I can't believe it. I'm so upset that I did this, and know it's got to change. I also have pushed my eating. I haven't gotten sick from bad things, but I started pushing it the middle of July. I was making cakes like crazy one week and it was tempting. I fought the temptation all week and on saturday I just had to taste my chocolate cupcake filled with Nutella buttercream. I've been so good about not eating my baking, but that was the tipping point. Since then, I've tried all kinds of things. If it's not too high in sugar, sure, I'll try it. WHAT AM I DOING? I so wanted to get super physically ill from fat and sugar and I don't. I get uncomfortable, but that's nothing new. I've always gotten "uncomfortable" from sweets. That has never stopped me before.
Yesterday we had a potluck at work. Not my first since surgery, but it was the hardest. Now that I am six months out I can eat a little of everything, mostly. But how I wish I couldn't. I sorta wish I were at 3 months again. I could eat some things, not all soft foods, but not anything.  I am thinking the honeymoon might be over.
I have lost 90lbs since january and now only 2 this month. Yep, this is going to be hard again. Well I enjoyed it while it lasted. I will still enjoy it, but know it's more on me now than before.
So, what am I going to do about  it?
1) Back to basics: Protein first. A plate that is 1/2 protein, 1/4 vegie and 1/4 good carbs. What does that look like? broccoli that is in my freezer and no more corn. Quinoa and whole grains, nothing not whole grain. Less processed foods. I will still eat my protein bars, but try to eat a natural protein more often. So maybe one bar a day. And 15-20 grams of protein per meal.
2) Eat 6 times a day, small meals. That is not what everyone says, they all say 3 meals no snacking. But what worked for me this past 6 months was eating every 2-3 hours. That means wake up and eat high protein. 3 hrs later eat high protein....you get the picture.
3) Drink my 64 oz of water plus EVERY DAY! I'm good for one day, then slack the next.
4) Write down what I am eating. When I eat it. I have slacked on that too. I'm grateful one of my WLS buddies called me on that. I use myfitnesspal.com and love it!!!!!!
5) No drinking with meals. I found that I could eat a little more if I drank while I ate. I told myself it was just for special occasions, but....well, it became habit again. 30min after eating for sure, and 15-30 before if possible.
6) Exercise.... 30 minutes a day is the suggested/required. So, back to it. I have outgrown all my workout clothes. Good excuse, huh? So I have two pairs of workout pants. I will wash them tonight and stick them in my backpack. I will make this work. My excuse this month has been that I take the train and don't have enough clothes. So, kill that. I will carry my clothes in my packpack everyday. No excuse. I will take train A to the stop and switch to train B that goes to my gym. Literally 1/2 block walk. Then take train B back to train A and go home. It's really not that complicated.
7) I will quit eating out. It's not that eating out is bad, but it has gotten me out of the habit of measuring and being super careful. I will pack my lunches for the week and take it to work ahead of time. That way I only have a big lunch bag one day a week. Then use my Trader Joe's cool red one for supolemental stuff.
8) I will be sure to take ALL  my vitamins EVERY day. No more excusing the skipping. My stats were good at 6 months, but I need to be sure they stay good.  I will go tonight to buy my b12 and start taking that daily again.

Wow, that sounds like a lot, but I know it's a spiral and doing one thing right makes it easier to do the other things right.

THIS IS MY LIFE WE ARE TALKING ABOUT. I am not "normal" and never will be "normal". Who is? I chose this journey because I want to be healthy and look good. Yes, I want to look good. I want to find a man who I please visually. I want to continue feeling like I don't stand out in a crowd for my size. I want to be healthy for the children that God allows me to have! I want to do so many things that I haven't done because I let my weight stop me.

Wagon...hold on. I'm Back!!!